Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dental Hygienists --- I cannot take them anymore

Pretty much everyone has something that is suboptimal with the biochemistry of their bodies.  It could be something terrible, like lung cancer.   Or it could be something ordinary, but serious and treatable, like diabetes.   Or it could be something really mundane and not very important at all.

Having a body that produces too much dental plaque means you have to go see a dental hygienist three times a year, instead of twice a year. That is my particular issue --  in the mundane category.  Or maybe, the "extremely lucky" category, because there are so many other possibilities -- cancer, heart disease, drug resistant syphilis, tuberculosis, malaria, etc. -- that are so much worse.

When I visit the dentist for my tri-annual teeth cleaning, I get one of two reactions from the dental hygienist:

Reaction One:  A complete dressing down and scolding!  

Hygienist: You need to brush your teeth ever morning and every evening.
Me:  I DO!

Hygienist: Well... you are NOT doing a very good job of it.  You should use an electric toothbrush.
Me:  I DO!

Hygienist:  You need to spend six seconds with the electric toothbrush on each tooth.
Me:  I spend ten seconds on each tooth!

Hygienist:  Well... you need to change the brush head every three months.
Me:  I change it every month!

Hygienist:  You need to floss every time you brush!
Me:  I do!

Hygienist:  You need to floss up and down three times between each set of teeth.
Me:  I go up and down six times!

Hygienist:  You need to use a better floss then.
Me:  I use Butler Weave Dental Floss that was recommended to me years ago, when I was first diagnosed with excessive plaque.

Hygienist:  I do not believe anything you say!
Me:  Could you just accept the fact that my body produces excessive dental plaque?

Hygienist:  Humpff (and walks away muttering under her breath).

Reaction Two:  Hygienist talks to me like I am a hospice patient. 

Hygienist:  The amount of plaque you have is quite dreadful!  You were here just four months ago.
Me:  I know!  Believe me, I have excellent dental hygiene practices; my body just produces a lot of plaque.

Hygienist:  This is so dreadful; I don't know how you will be able to cope.
Me:  I think I am doing okay.

Hygienist:  I am so sorry that you are having to live your life this way.
Me:  Well it is better than having Ebola, I guess.

Hygienist:  I cannot imagine anything more tragic.
Me:  I think you need to work on your imaginative capabilities, in that case.

My Dream:  Find a dental hygienist who does her job and says "Good Day" when she begins, and "Good Bye Now" when she finishes, and nothing more.

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