Social Media Masturbation

What is the purpose of social media?  To make connections, to inform, to pass the time, to connect with friends or compete with friends, to discuss shared problems, to ask for help,  to argue with strangers or to deceive and misinform?  All of these!

A disturbing trend is "social media masturbation".  This must be called out when we see it, and eventually eradicated.

Comments on social media posts that contribute nothing, and/or demean the post author are "social media masturbation".

Why masturbation?   Masturbation is a behavior that makes you feel good, but does not do any good for anyone else. 

Masturbation in real life is done privately.  

Social media masturbation is public.  

Why do individuals "masturbate" on social media? 

(1). Sometimes the masturbator does not think about what he is doing and why he is doing it, failing to consider that his name or "handle" is associated with the post.

(2). Sometimes the masturbator thinks he is impressing the rest of the community by putting down the post author.  But the masturbator is really just wasting everyone's time.  

If you genuinely do not agree with the content of the post, you can point out the area(s) of disagreement and provide proof or evidence for your position.  This takes mental energy and effort, whereas masturbation does not.  If you are not willing to do that, then move on.  

(3). Sometimes the masturbator just wants to feel good.  We all understand that, but masturbation is a private act.  And the masturbator should ask himself why putting someone else down makes him feel good?

The next time you are reading social media and spot this behavior, please call out the masturbator and refer him to this article.

Image courtesy of Rosy.Ziegler@web.de

Project 2026: Revenge of the Cat Ladies

NOTE:  This is a parody; it is intended to be humorous and thought-provoking.

Project 2025 is a document from the Heritage Foundation for transforming America into a Christian, white, male-dominant society, with a government providing only the bare necessities.  

If you have not heard of Project 2025, you can read about it here:  

https://static.project2025.org/2025_MandateForLeadership_FULL.pdf

I propose Project 2026 to "one up" (literally) Project 2025.  Project 2026 will transform America into a multi-cultural, pluralistic, and sensible society led by women.

Project 2026 provides the following core principles:

I.  Women, and only women, will occupy all governing and leadership positions.  Men will be permitted in support and advisory positions.  Men have done a poor job over the last 2,000 years creating upheaval and violence all around us.  We are done with that.

II.  Young men will fulfill their God-given role to carry heavy boxes, move heavy furniture, unscrew tight jar lids, and tote luggage for older women.

III.  All male babies will have vasectomies within 90 days of birth.  In about fifty years, the men will be "shooting blanks" and women will not have to concern themselves with birth control, unwanted pregnancies, or abortions.  Men will no longer control women's bodies, because in our new society, male bodies are controlled at birth.   If a married couple wishes to conceive a child, the man must present a document with his wife's signature agreeing to the vasectomy reversal.

IV.  Borrowing from Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' concept of "natural law,"  older men with erectile dysfunction will not be allowed to take drugs to remedy this problem without the written consent of their wives.  After all, at some point in the aging process erectile dysfunction is "natural", and the wife will determine if she wants this in her marriage.

V. The Equal Rights Amendment will be ratified.

VI.  Fire arms will be registered and licensed. 

VII.  Qualified immunity for law enforcement will be repealed.  

VIII.  GDP will be redefined to de-emphasize growth and profit.  Instead GDP will prioritize human well-being.  This means that companies that create products that:  pollute the environment, addict humans, lead to obesity, or in any other way harm human beings, will be prohibited.  The companies will have to find another mission.  

IX.   Fundamentalist Christians must provide a written statement explaining how their beliefs about "fetal personhood" are consistent with Genesis 2:7.   If the statement is not well-reasoned, the person will be extradicted to the Middle East to join other fundamentalists.

X.  All social media posters/contributors will be identified and authenticated; you post something, you are responsible for it.  All posts must be truthful. 

NOTE:  While the Trump Campaign has claimed no knowledge of Project 2025,  Trump's name appears 312 times in the document.  Conclusion:  Project 2025 is equivalent to the Trump Campaign platform.

NOTE:  This blog post is a parody; it is intended to be humorous and thought-provoking.

Image by nadeem abdullah from Pixabay

Why I am a Joyful Childless Cat Lady

The paint store lady gave us a brochure on the latest trends in exterior paint colors for houses.  The colors were various shades of brown.  My husband selected three; I selected three.  We took our six sample cans home, and painted 20 inch squares on the southwestern side of the house.  Two coats.  

The next morning as I was looking at the various shades and hues, all I could think of was "baby shit brown".  That afternoon, I checked the colors again in the afternoon light.  Again, "baby shit brown" popped into my head.

I have seen a lot of baby shit, involuntarily. I was pressed into babysitting my three younger brothers at a very young age.   If you are changing six to ten diapers a day, you have seen a lot of baby shit.  Depending on what the baby ate, and the general state of his health,  you could have dark brown baby shit or light brown baby shit or yellowish brown baby shit or baby shit with a pinkish brown hue.  In other words, most hues, tones, shades of the brown color family are well represented by baby shit.

From this and other experiences with my three younger brothers,  I determined that motherhood was not for me.   In case it is not obvious, there is nothing intellectually stimulating or challenging with infant care.  It is, in fact, really boring, really tedious, and very unrewarding.  This is particularly true if the baby is not yours.

Reading a book, traveling to historic sites, learning a foreign language, attending a play -- these are stimulating experiences.   The endless drudgery of diaper changing, well, not so much.   I suppose JD Vance would say "Well that's just you.  Most women relish childcare and we cherish and reward mothers."

Nope.  I don't think so.  Here's why.

America is all about money.  We value money.  We admire people with a lot of money.  We dole out rewards based on money.   Money permeates the soul of America.  We pay CEOs, major league athletes, celebrities, and other performance artists huge sums of money -- in the millions of dollars.  What do we pay child care workers?  

If it is your own child, you receive no compensation.  

If you have to pay for childcare, it is about $16,945 annually (1).  

Most significantly, if you are a child care worker, you earn just about minimum wage, between $22,450 and $36,200 annually (2).  

Let's compare that to CEO compensation.  Of the top 100 CEOs, the first one earns $198 million and the one on the bottom of the list earns $33 million (3).  

Do we really value child care?  In American society, where your value is represented by your earnings and/or your wealth, the people of value are at least 900 times more valuable than a child care worker.  Worse, if it is your own child you have no value at all.

Of course, motivations like avoiding loneliness or requiring assistance in old age inform many decisions to bear children.  While very compelling reasons more than one hundred years ago, one must question these reasons today.  They have no validity.  

Massive opportunities to connect with others of like mind and like values exist today, representing and resembling prior family connections.  Better yet, they are by choice and not by blood.  Many of our blood relations do not represent people we would  select as family.  

In about twenty years, robots will assist the elderly requiring help.  The robots will administer medications, bathe us, assist with other bodily functions, and provide companionship.  The long suffering caregiver spouse or child will disappear, and a better end-of-life relationship will emerge.

So, what about the paint color for the house?  My favorite from the Dunn-Edwards Paints' New Neutrals Collection is "Distillery".  "Distillery is a warm neutral color inspired by aged whisky barrels."   To me,  Distillery has absolutely no resemblance to the contents of a soiled diaper, and that is just fine by me.

(1). https://tootris.com/edu/blog/parents/cost-of-child-care-in-california-by-city-age-and-type-of-care-provider/

(2) Bureau of Labor Statistics:  https://www.bls.gov/oes/current/oes399011.htm#:~:text=National%20estimates%20for%20Childcare%20Workers:%20;%20Hourly,22%2C450%2C%20$%2027%2C040%2C%20$%2030%2C370%2C%20$%2036%2C200

(3). https://www.equilar.com/reports/111-table-equilar-new-york-times-top-100-highest-paid-ceos-2024.html

A relationship based on a lie

In my early 30's, I lived overseas, but eventually returned to the United States.  I wanted to settle down.  I wanted to buy a house.  I wanted to get a serious job.  

After a six week job search,  I joined an up-and-coming tech company with lots of really sharp, motivated people.  It was exhilirating; I was pumped.

For my first major assignment, I worked with an application engineer, promoting a particular technology to a particular group of customers.  The application engineer gave technical talks and I handled the business and contracting issues. Working together, we were very successful.

However, there was a downside to this for me.  The app engineer assumed that in any given situation, I had not done my research or my homework and any statements I made were untrustworthy.   Occasionally, she made critical or disparaging remarks.

I found this deeply insulting and hurtful, particularly because it was not true.  I am the kind of person who always does my homework, completes my assignments, and when I speak I have facts and evidence that support my position.

However, I did not try to address this objectionable behavior with the app engineer.  I was worried that she would complain about me to her boss, then it would be passed along to my boss, and my next annual review would state that I "could not get along with people". The company had a culture of toxic gossip and I really needed the job and the paycheck.

So I sucked it up.  I said nothing.  I felt angry and resentful, but I put a lid on it.

Business situations required the app engineer and I travel together to see customers.  On these trips, we discussed many non-work topics.  The app engineer realized I did not know anyone in the area.  The app engineer and her husband had a lot of social connections.  They invited me to various parties.  I was grateful for the invitations. 

Finally, there was an opportunity for a transfer inside the company and I jumped at it.  The new position had challenges, but at least I was not subject to critical and disparaging remarks. 

I continued to accept social invitations from the app engineer and her husband.  Slowly, but surely, I developed a friendship network of my own, apart from the app engineer and my employment.  

I stayed in touch with the app engineer.  In my new position, I would sometimes deal with challenging human resource situations;  I would contact the app engineer to get her take on the situation.  She frequently had good input and good advice.  Unfortunately, it would be delivered with a condescending tone and attitude.

This was happening at a time when the word "mentor" did not exist.  There were plenty of men in the business world who did not welcome women.  Rather, we were told we should be assuming our God-given role of bearing and raising children.  So, no chance that these men with valuable business experience would ever help or share any insights into addressing business issues.  One had to make do with what was available, even if it meant suffering humiliation.

To avoid the humiliation, I would do my best to figure things out myself, but sometimes you just needed another opinion.  My relationship with the app engineer continued along these lines with occasional social interactions.

One day,  I realized I had enough of this.  The app engineer, another female friend, and I were ordering lunch at a restaurant.  I asked the waiter if I could have my sandwich with whole wheat bread (instead of white) as I was trying to improve my diet.  The app engineer flew into a rage and started yelling at me about the difference between whole wheat and wheat berries and how I didn't know what I was talking about. I think everyone at the restaurant heard this diatribe.  I was shocked, in fact I felt a very unpleasant tingle going through my whole body.  I said nothing for the rest of the lunch. I was not going to be treated this way again.  

So going forward, I declined invitations with the app engineer.  After about six months, the app engineer contacted me and demanded to know why I was avoiding her.  So, I told her that I was fed up with her  insulting and disparaging remarks.  I explained it was obvious that she did not respect me, because if she did, she would not treat me this way.  So I was doing us both a favor and letting her off the hook;  I did not want her to feel obligated to have a friendship with an idiot.  No need for her to do that; I hoped she would spend more time with the people she respected. 

The app engineer professed shock and insisted that she did respect me.  I laughed.  I brought up circumstances and situations where she had humiliated me.  A couple of days later she asked me if I would consider resuming our friendship if she stopped making disparaging remarks.  I laughed and said of course, but again, if she had any respect for me, she would not have done this in the first place.  

So reluctantly, I  resumed the friendship.  For about six months, there were no condescending remarks or insults.  But then it started up again.  

At this point, we had almost nothing in common.  The app engineer had retired very early; I was still involved in the tech world. The app engineer travelled extensively; I did not.  The app engineer was very involved with her grandchild; I was not interested.  The app engineer did a lot of volunteer work; I tried volunteer work, but did not like it, and was not interested.

So with no common interests, I thought our association would just gradually fade away.  It did not.  For some reason, it was very important to the app engineer to stay in touch with me and to  participate in activities together.  I thought I could handle this once or twice a year.  

Recently the app engineer contacted me to get together for my birthday.  She had a birthday card, a gift, and wanted to take me to dinner.  

When the app engineer arrived, we took a walk by the ocean.  Then we returned to my house, where my husband joined us, and the app engineer started in on the little micro insults.  

I do not recall how this unimportant topic came up, but my husband and I  had recently given away a large television and modern glass tv stand.  We listed the items as "no charge" on Craigslist.  The app engineer explained that was not the right way to go about it; the app engineer always uses Freecycle, not Craigslist.  The app engineer explained that the best method is to wait for responses to the ad where the respondent explains how and why they would like the item.  Those are the people most likely to show up and claim the item.

There was a moment of silence.  

No one asked the app engineer for her opinion.  Not only did we get her opinion, but the implication was that we had gone about this incorrectly.  We were being scolded and corrected.  From our point view, this was ludicrous.  Who cares?  The stuff was gone.   The conversation moved along in another direction.  

That was a mistake.

Rather than move on, we might have asked the app engineer why she was providing this advice.  We might have gently pointed out that the items were gone, so we considered the matter closed.

The advantage of asking such a question would be to get the app engineer to reflect on her own motivations for this line of discourse.  Perhaps the app engineer would  realize that she was being bossy, superior, dictatorial, and slightly righteous.  All of these are undesirable qualities -- most assuredly unwelcomed by her audience.  

Or perhaps she would have told us that we obviously did not know the correct method for giving away household items we no longer wanted, and therefore, she needed to explain it to us. 

This could have opened up a deeper conversation about the many many interactions with the app engineer that revealed a bossy, superior, dictatorial and slightly righteous attitude towards other people. 

So why did we fail to open the conversation into something more meaningful?  

After years and years of tolerating this demeaning and abusive behavior, I have become desensitized to it.  I no longer have a strong negative reaction I have to suppress.  Instead, after being around the app engineer for a few hours, I feel annoyed; the same kind of feeling you get when there's a fly or mosquito buzzing around you for a few hours, and you can't quite manage to smack it with the fly swatter, but you are really sick of it.  Then finally you open a door or a window and watch the annoyance fly away.   

Am I responsible for this sorry state of affairs?  Partially.  This is a relationship based on a lie.  The lie is that it is okay to abuse me.  Unfortunately, the bad behavior is set.  Maybe it could have been a good relationship if I had set boundaries in the beginning.  But, over fear for my job, I did not set boundaries, and now the bad behaviors are repeated over and over again.

I believe, deep down, the app engineer is a kind and loving person.  For some reason her interaction style with other people is bossy, superior, dictatorial and slightly righteous.  Most people do not want someone like that in their lives.  I feel sorry for the app engineer.

 

 

Respecting servers in restaurants

My friend Sara is allergic to peppers.  

This means bell peppers, ancho chiles, pepperoncini, banana peppers, piquillos, poblanos, Cuban peppers, Anaheim, pasilla, jalapenos, Fresno, Serrano, cayenne, Habanero, and so on.

When Sara orders at a restaurant, she informs the server of her allergy, and asks if specific items on the menu contain these ingredients.  

The trouble is ... it is never a simple interaction.  

Sara raises her voice, enunciating very precisely, carefully, and loudly, that she is allergic to peppers.  She then elaborates by reciting a list of the types of peppers.  Then she dramatically pauses, and adds "but not black pepper" waving her hands to gesture that black pepper is okay. This goes on for three to five minutes, as some parts of it are repeated.

Sara delivers her speech in a way to suggest that the server does not comprehend spoken English, and/or suffers from a mental defect.

Sometimes the server is knowledgeable about the ingredients of the particular menu item, and sometimes the server has to go away to check.  Once in a while, the server is rattled.  On one occasion, I ordered a salad that was supposed to contain strips of julienne red bell pepper, but the salad arrived pepper-less.  The server possibly thought that Sara's eschewing of peppers included everyone in the party, and not just Sara.  

On all of these occasions, I have felt embarrassed.  To me, this manner of communication insults and humiliates the server.  I believe Sara intends to be clear, not insulting.  I try to leave a larger tip as my way of apologizing for Sara's behavior.  I don't know if that is enough.  Having been a server myself in my early 20's, I know that after serving someone like Sara -- someone who demeaned and humiliated me -- I would have gone home and cried and cried.

So why does Sara communicate in this way? 

Possibly in the past, Sara consumed a restaurant entree containing some type of pepper, suffered a strong allergic reaction, became seriously ill, and was hospitalized.  But if that were the case, Sara could review the restaurant menu online, in advance, see the ingredients, and then phone the restaurant to confirm the ingredient list.  No need to wait until seated at the restaurant to interrogate the server.  Or, Sara could prepare some 3x5 cards with a list of her pepper allergies and hand it to the server, so the server could review it, or take it to the chef to inquire.

Another possibility is that Sara believes all servers are mentally defective.   

However, let's consider that about 40% of servers have bachelor's degrees and another 15% have associate's degrees.(Note 1)  So roughly 55% of servers have advanced degrees.  The probability that your server is reasonably intelligent is likely.  

Having known Sara for a long time, I know that Sara has a rigid value system that is something like this:

• Purpose of Education:  Obtain a high paying job
• Best way to get a high paying job:  Degree in computer science
• Therefore, proof of intelligence:  Degree in computer science

Sara is entitled to her own value system. 

 

I have a different value system:

• Purpose of Education:  Knowledge for the sake of knowledge; to be an educated human being
• Best way to get a high paying job:  Not a priority; not part of the value system
• Proof of intelligence:  Ability to think and write critically

I believe what happens in these very unpleasant restaurant interactions, is that Sara applies her value system like this:

• This server earns less money than me, therefore the server must be stupid, because the purpose of work is to earn as much money as possible.  
• The smartest people in the world earn the most money.  
• If someone goes to college, they would study the subject that got them the highest paying job.  So even if the server is a college graduate, they were stupid not to study something that would get them a high paying job.  
• A degree in computer science is more difficult to achieve than a degree in history, religion, economics, biology, chemistry, art, drama, etc.  Therefore, I am more intelligent than anyone who studied the other subjects.  
• It is not possible that a person wanted to become educated; of course they wanted job training. 
• It is not possible that a person could have studied computer science, but consciously chose to study something else, even if the other field of study did not offer the same job skills/earning potential.

So what can I do about this conflict with Sara?  

I do not want to dine in a restaurant with someone who mistreats and abuses the server, even if that was not the intention.  I do not want to be complicit in or support this behavior.

I appreciate that each of us has our own values.    I do not like the idea that someone's values serve as a  weapon to abuse others. 

My affinity is with the servers, and I will have to decline restaurant invitations with Sara.

 

(Note 1)  Research from Zippia (an employment research firm) indicates that in the United States, about 40% of servers have bachelor's degrees.  See:   https://www.zippia.com/server-jobs/demographics/

Why I wrote the blog post "Why I don't believe you"

In April 2021, I wrote a blog post "Why I don't believe you". 

So why did I write that?   What prompted that blog post?

 

I had a terrible experience -- a betrayal -- from a close friend.  Although I felt humiliated and very sad, I found forgiveness in my heart and did my best to put it behind me.  I did not want to confront my friend; I did not want to discuss it or revisit it; the whole thing was just too sad and painful.

 

But over a two year period, the friend kept bringing it up, in different ways, some subtle, and some direct.  The last time the topic came up, I actually believed that my friend honestly and sincerely wanted me to answer questions about the whole ordeal.    This time, I did not change the subject, leave, or avoid it.  I felt "well... let's get it over with..." 

 

We had a conversation.

I answered the first question.  Then, I answered the second question.  As I started to answer the third question,  the friend angrily interrupted:  "Well what about you?   You did X and Y!"   So instead of answering sincere and honest questions, I was attacked.  Any time I tried to answer one of the now, presumably rhetorical questions,  I got a "whataboutism",  an interruption,  or an attack.  This continued for about 45 minutes. Actually I did not need to be there as I had little opportunity to provide any answers.  It was not a conversation, but more of a very angry tongue lashing.

 

By this time in the "conversation",  I started to disassociate.  I felt light-headed.  I lost track of where I was.  I was confused.  I find it extremely difficult to talk while feeling deep emotions, and humiliation and betrayal are very deep feelings.

  

This conversation felt very unfair.  In my experience, as a manager, when you want to know or learn something from a person, you ask a question and then you shut up.  You let the person answering take as long as they need to answer, and you never, ever interrupt.  You wait a while after they have finished to make certain they have finished answering.  Only then do you ask your next question.

 

That was not happening in this situation.  

 

One thing I did learn from my friend is that I had been making hurtful comments to her every time we had been together. She provided an example. 

Over the next few days I reflected on the accusation that I had made hurtful remarks.  I had been extremely angry about the betrayal, but, could not discuss the source of that anger with her for business reasons.  So I figured that yes, even though I was attempting to keep a lid on my unexpressed anger, it was likely coming out as hurtful remarks. 

 

I took responsibility for my behavior.  I hand-wrote an apology on a nice card and mailed it to my friend: 

 

During our visit, a week ago Friday, you told me that I had been belittling you, making little digs, and putting you down.  I was unaware that I had been doing this, so I am glad that you brought it to my attention.  I should not have done that.  I am truly sorry for my behavior; it was deplorable.  You deserve to be treated with respect.   Please accept my sincere apology.

 

A couple of weeks later, the friend sent me an email accepting my apology.  I was grateful that my apology was acknowledged and accepted.  I have not said an unkind word to my friend since then.  

However, there was still the problem of everything else that happened during the verbal tongue lashing that had masqueraded as an honest, sincere conversation.  The conversation had turned into a metaphorical conflagration that only answered some questions, resolved nothing, and made matters worse.  I started thinking about how I could communicate everything that happened,  how I felt about it, without getting interrupted or attacked.

 

My solution was to write a full accounting of all the events.  Answer all the questions that had, and had not, been asked during the conversation / angry tongue lashing. Share my feelings about the events.

 

The April 2021 blog post "Why I don't believe you" answers all the questions.  That is why I wrote it;  to finally and completely disclose everything.  Blog posts cannot be interrupted.  They cannot be shouted down.  

 

There is nothing left for me to state on this topic.  Finally, I am putting it behind me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A very enjoyable root canal

"You need a root canal, hon," the pretty endodontist announced as she studied the cat scan image of my head.  

 "Okay.  Let's do it.  I don't want to think, worry, or fret about it.  Let's get it done." I replied, anticipating an end to the pain in the swollen gland under my jaw.  

 Two days later, I showed up,  with the benefit of a Halcion pill I ingested an hour earlier.

I have never had a root canal, but I knew the horror stories of agony and pain.   

Everyone in the endodontist office was a "Person of Color".  Interesting.  The new America.  I adjusted my ear buds to listen to the deep calm meditation audio files and prepared to endure whatever might happen in the next hour.

What a surprise!

The pretty endodontist and the dental technician smoothly executed the procedure -- as if they had done it so many times before, they could do it blindfolded.  I felt reassured.  

Then the banter started.  Fascinating banter that caused me to turn off the iPhone meditation tracks and listen to them.  

They discussed the Russian pop music scene, the Cuban music scene, the Afro-Cuban music scene, and the best living in South America.  Apparently, the country of Columbia offers the best work/life balance. I had a lot of questions, but with a mouth crammed with dental apparatus, impossible to ask anything.

The electric motors from the dental equipment reverberated in my ears.  Normally I hate that and tense up and feel miserable.  Thanks to Halcion, I did not care.  The building could start on fire and I would not care.  

Then it was over.

I took over the counter anti-inflammatories and pain killers for two days.  Then the pain was over.

My tooth is saved.  I have new musical interests to explore.  I want to travel to Columbia.  I feel enlightened. 

Thank you Dr. Niyati Patel.